The person I am scared of the most is myself. My thoughts. How can I flip so fast, how can I be so set in my ways and then melt and then when it happens again I feel stupid all over, You actually had me believing you. I thought maybe you had changed. maybe you were being real. maybe you were being truthful. but you weren't. You are looking out for number one and it is sickening. You are going to wake up one day and realize how alone you are. You are going to have burned all your bridges with people who could actually care about you if you let them, but instead you spend your time with girls that just want your money and status and sex. I am celibate and doing just fine financially and could care less about status so that clearly isnt what I was after. Right now I feel sick. People need to get their lives together, and realize who and what is worth it, cause one day none of this earthly stuff and temptations are going to matter. God is not going to judge you on how much money you had and how many people you slept with and how "cool" you were, he is going to judge you on what you did with the money you did have. Making the choice to be with one person. I know that probably sounds hypocritical coming from me, but until six months ago I had not made the choice to save myself. After everything that had happened, I didn't care. Now though I care, and from six months ago on, I will only be with my husband. and being "cool" in God's eyes I think means that you often won't be "cool" on earth. In the end although right now I feel sorry (and stupid) for myself, it is you I feel sorry for. I know where I am headed in life, do you?
Tonight I spent probably... 6 hours or so watching movies, and reading someone I knows facebook status'. It is unbelievable how much God works through different things at just the right time. Tonight he got to my heart through the movie I can do bad all by myself, the movie Paper Heart, and a guy I hardly know but run into all the time facebook status'. I know that makes me sound so creepy (the facebook part) but when I post them tomorrow, you will understand why I couldn't stop reading them. I wish I was friends with this guy because he knows what he is talking about and it is so refreshing. and yet I dont want to do the chasing, I want to be chased. I want to be chased, and wanted for me, and I want them to "prove" it.
I use to have a 3 strike rule when it came to guys, like in baseball- 3 strikes and your out. For a while I stopped using it because I thought it wasn't fair, but it is. just because someone is "out" after 3 strikes as a dating possibility doesn't mean their out as a friend, or that I am going to hold a grudge, it just means you lost your chance. As of now I am implementing this rule again.
Well tomorrow is Landon's three month photoshoot and I need to get some beauty sleep, but before I go I just want to give a "shout out" to all the dads that are stepping up and taking care of your children, I have the utmost respect for you and wish you the best of luck.
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