Today I take back what I said bashing Rihanna and Eminem. I take it back and I wish I could thank them. They portrayed abuse in such an artistic way and a sickly real way and it kind of started making this anger stir up inside me and I had not felt that in this process of trying to heal. I had felt guilt, sadness, confusion, denial, acceptance, but not anger. This anger which more came from how awful abuse is and the fact that women do live in that everyday, allowed me to say, I forgive you libby. I forgive you. I think I know what I want to do with my life. I think I want to help abused women break free from the cycle. I was thinking I wanted to be a pediatrician or neo- natal nurse or doctor but as I sit here and think, there are a ton of pediatricians. Sure it is a great job, and there are a ton of them. However, there are not as many people that want to work with women who are abused. Work with the families, the children, and I'm sure there are many less people who want to work with teen or young moms who are in the abuse cycle. It is hard enough having to talk to someone who doesn't get being a young mom (when trying to heal and move on, not in general) and it makes it much harder if that person doesn't understand abuse and how hard it is. I understand both.
If you know me, you know how hard I have been fighting against Landon's dad. and not fighting like yelling and screaming and what not, but more internally fighting, well today, that fighting stops. I am putting him in my past and he will stay there. He will not be written about again, unless there is a reason he is in my life that day and I need to vent, but random days like today, he will not control. Finally finished :)
In the last blog I posted I am sure it sounded like yesterday was an awful day, and it really wasn't, it was actually a really good day, I just had to rant and rave, so Today I am going to talk about the good in yesterday :)
I have been trying to loose the rest of this baby weight and it is finally working. I have been working out daily, eating better, and eating less, I have lost a good chunk of what I want to (still have a ways to go) but I have lost inches! and to me, the inches are more important then the scale. the inches are what you notice and what you feel, not the scale. Yesterday I went on a long walk with a great friend and Landon. It was a lot of fun. good conversation, fresh air, good walk. I got to spend time with one of my sisters, and it was fun. It felt more "normal" then it has in a while. My getting pregnant was the hardest on her I think. She is a very organized person and I feel sometimes she tries and organizes life, and my pregnancy was just something that wasn't expected and could not be put in an organized box.
Remember me. My night ended watching Remember me with Lauren (one of my sisters )and Amber, and oh my. I knew what was going to happen in that movie because my other sister Audrey told me, so I didn't think I was going to cry, Man was I wrong. I sobbed. If you have not seen it I highly recommend it. It is so powerful and so beautifully done ( in my opinion).
Boys. Last night one of my best friends called me and was very hurt and upset. She is such an amazing girl and deserves the world, and a boy made her feel less then worthy. She has accomplished so much and is doing so great, and he ruined that feeling for her. That is not okay. It is always better to be honest, even if the truth is going to be painful for a little while, at least it is real, but if you play games and ignore or avoid, all that is there is pain. I hope that she does not let this prick change her for worse. I hope she talks through it as much as she can with people that are willing to listen and be there for her and offer the best advice they can, and then moves on. I hope she does not let him dictate her life. She has so much to offer, and that boy is missing out. In the end it will be him that is sorry, not her. I hope she reads this and I hope she hears me loud and clear when I say I love You. You are worth so much, and one day you will find prince charming, who will treat you with respect, and not want to avoid the hard conversations, and tricky situations. He will love you so much that keeping you guys a secret will not even be possible and He will make you truly happy. Of course along the way you guys will have arguments and not always feel butterflies, but I think that that is part of love. Love is not just the easy stuff, its making it through the hard stuff too. Keep Your head up, and be proud of who you are and who you are becoming. Don't belittle yourself. Teach people how to treat you, and teach them that you will be treated like crap no more.
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, Loving someone deeply gives you courage."
I know somewhere inside you, all of you reading this, is both. You just need to find it and use it if you haven't already.
Today is a new day, why not start over?
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