Saddened.

Life is too short. It feels as if one day you are doing one thing and finally getting use to it and the next it is five years down the road. I am not one who encourages regrets, i think every expierence good or bad is one to learn from, and i try to not have regrets. of course there are things i wish i could change but who doesnt have those, and in my opinion those are different then regrets. Anyways the reason i bring up regrets is because i do not ever want to regret not telling someone i love them. as a friend, as more then a friend, as a sister, a mother, a son, a father, a doggy, anything. Two months ago a girl i knew of, one who was close with my sisters and a lot of people i am connected with committed suicide. She was a senior in highschool and well loved by EVERYONE and yet she took her own life. No one knows why she did and no one will every understand except God, well tonight my youngest sister and i went to her facebook page and were just reading the post people are still leaving on her wall. It makes my heart hurt. I am sitting here sobbing justtrying to catch my breath because i can not imagine if i were her sister or brother or mother or father or friend. I only knew of this girl and it is tragic and so emotional. i am sure my sister being close with her and watching her go through so much pain and confusion at such a young age has some to do with it but regardless. Basically I just wanted to tell you I love you. If i have ever been mad at you or we have gotten in a fight or we do not get a long, i love you and you have impacted my life in someway. I challenge you all to tell someone you love them, and mean it. dont be affraid to love. dont be affraid to live. if you wont live your life, no one will, so live your life and love.Life is too short. RIP Tinu.RIP. 

God's Canvas

I have always believed that a relationship with God is an extremely personal thing, I believe there are a time and a place to say things like "God loves you" and "He is always there" and whatnot, but I feel like those times are few and far apart. I am not knocking the people who do believe everyday should be like that, to each their own, yet in my opinion people are more willing to hear and listen about God as well as engage as conversation if the start by questioning why you live differently. That being said, I feel that so many times saying "God is right here with us" is unneeded because other people feel it too, they just might not know what it is yet, soon they will question though. You can't run from God. You can deny it is God, and you can choose to believe that God's whispers are other things, but they really are always there. The reason I am saying this today is because I simply feel I need to say it. Throughout my entire pregnancy and parenting Landon this far, God has had his hand over my family and I. (Landon obvs. being a part of my family) And as soon as I have started to worry or fear God shows himself stronger. Maybe it is because I am looking harder, but I am not positive of that. This last week Landon and I moved upstairs. we had been in the basement which was about... 20 steps to get to and his things and my things were all down there, except we couldn't survive down there, everything else was upstairs and we had to come up to leave the house. Well yesterday I dislocated my knee again. Only worse. It is half and inch away from where it is suppose to be and is tilted. I am on crutches and in a huge brace cast thing and get an MRI this coming thursday. I am able to push landon around in his stroller and have everything I need in the bottom part. I have figure out how I can take some steps, push the stroller, take some more and etc.. Of course I am in pain and wish this was not the case, but who am I to complain? I can take care of Landon and I can take care of myself for the most part. The world really is God's canvas.

You're OUT!

The person I am scared of the most is myself. My thoughts. How can I flip so fast, how can I be so set in my ways and then melt and then when it happens again I feel stupid all over, You actually had me believing you. I thought maybe you had changed. maybe you were being real. maybe you were being truthful. but you weren't. You are looking out for number one and it is sickening. You are going to wake up one day and realize how alone you are. You are going to have burned all your bridges with people who could actually care about you if you let them, but instead you spend your time with girls that just want your money and status and sex. I am celibate and doing just fine financially and could care less about status so that clearly isnt what I was after. Right now I feel sick. People need to get their lives together, and realize who and what is worth it, cause one day none of this earthly stuff and temptations are going to matter. God is not going to judge you on how much money you had and how many people you slept with and how "cool" you were, he is going to judge you on what you did with the money you did have. Making the choice to be with one person. I know that probably sounds hypocritical coming from me, but until six months ago I had not made the choice to save myself. After everything that had happened, I didn't care. Now though I care, and from six months ago on, I will only be with my husband. and being "cool" in God's eyes I think means that you often won't be "cool" on earth.  In the end although right now I feel sorry (and stupid) for myself, it is you I feel sorry for. I know where I am headed in life, do you?

Tonight I spent probably... 6 hours or so watching movies, and reading someone I knows facebook status'. It is unbelievable how much God works through different things at just the right time. Tonight he got to my heart through the movie I can do bad all by myself, the movie Paper Heart, and a guy I hardly know but run into all the time facebook status'.  I know that makes me sound so creepy (the facebook part) but when I post them tomorrow, you will understand why I couldn't stop reading them. I wish I was friends with this guy because he knows what he is talking about and it is so refreshing. and yet I dont want to do the chasing, I want to be chased. I want to be chased, and wanted for me, and I want them to "prove" it. 

I use to have a 3 strike rule when it came to guys, like in baseball- 3 strikes and your out. For a while I stopped using it because I thought it wasn't fair, but it is. just because someone is "out" after 3 strikes as a dating possibility doesn't mean their out as a friend, or that I am going to hold a grudge, it just means you lost your chance. As of now I am implementing this rule again. 

Well tomorrow is Landon's three month photoshoot and I need to get some beauty sleep, but before I go I just want to give a "shout out" to all the dads that are stepping up and taking care of your children, I have the utmost respect for you and wish you the best of luck.

Layers

My life is full of layers. when i do my hair, i do it in layers. well first i get layers cut into it. then it has to be blow dryed...? in layers, then when i straighten it i have to do that in layers too. my faith has layers. layers i show strangers. layers i show friends, layers i show my best friends, layers i show my family, and layers on God and i know about. my heart has layers. my thoughts have layers. and my style of dress is usually layers. however one thing that has absolutely no layers is my patience. i use to be very patient. i was slow to show anger and slow to get bitter. now though i do not feel that way. i have hardly any patience, and as soon as you make me mad i will let you know and i sometimes become bitter. it rarely lasts but it still comes. 

I am the least patient with my friends now. and it isn't fair. i get the most mad when they cancel plans last minute. or don't answer or just plain ditch. i know i do it occasionally- yet i have tried very hard not to lately. it is irritating because sure they can make it up and do something later, but i can not. i am not on my own schedule anymore and i cant do whatever i want when i want. i think the anger mostly comes from feeling lonely. and today i feel lonely. 

i wish i could go "home" to massachusetts tonight. not for a vacation and not even for a long time, but just so i can sit on the rocks by the ocean, and just breathe. cry. watch the sunset. smell the salt water. hear the waves. watch the boats. and just breathe. 

walking.

I can not remember the last time I have wanted to walk and not stop, I don't think there has ever been a time when I have wanted to walk and not stop. And not in a way like I am running away, cause for the first time in a while I am not, but rather in a healthy way. I am taking care of myself. I am taking care of my body, taking care of my lungs by getting fresh air, and taking care of my mind. Walking allows me to think. I am not distracted by the music or t.v. or computer, but rather by Landon and nature and God, and those are healthy distractions. 

I think if any one ever asked me to go on a date, and asked me to walk with them around some unknown, safe, fun place we could explore and just talk and get to know each other that would be so cool. There wouldn't be the awkward okay we are sitting in a restraunt across from each other and have no idea what to say, or the fear of like of my gosh, where do we go, what do I eat, what do I wear? okay being honest the what do I wear part would still be there, but the other things that you shouldn't have to worry about are gone cause you are just walking and talking and exploring, together. You would get to know them for who they are and their character, and not their reputation. After all, character is who you are, reputation is who other people think you are, and if you know who you are, and God knows who you are, why should it matter who others think you are? and yet in the world we live in, it does matter, even if you say it doesn't phase you, I believe in some way it does. It might only be in the back of your head and never be said, but I think it is probably thought at least once, maybe? I would like to say that I am different, and don't judge off "reputation" but I know I do. If i hear a guy is a player, I am drawn towards them. Not because I want to get played, but because I want to "fix" them. I want to understand them, and understand why they are a "player" However the majority of the time I have done this, I have been surprised and the person has not been a player, it was just their reputation which they got who knows how.  I know it is selfish of me and probably narsasistic of me to say I want to be-friend them because I want to fix them, and help them heal, and yet that is how I have always been. I have never wanted to be the one being saved, I have wanted to be the one doing the saving. Now though, I am trying to not listen to reputations, though it is hard, and get to know someone before I judge them, and I still do not want to be saved, but I would like to be swept off my feet. and I absolutely do not want to do the saving. I use to look at relationships like a puzzle kind of, like if i could get all the pieces to fit it would all work out, but life is not a puzzle, and life doesn't make sense and doesn't fit together like a puzzle. So I want to be my own full complete puzzle, and meet "the one" who is also a complete puzzle, (and accepts my extra puzzle-Landon) and will blend together with us to make an even bigger complete puzzle. 

Landon can walk. of course not on his own, I mean he is not even three months old, but if you keep your hands under his arms balancing him, he can hold his weight, and take teeny tiny steps towards fully being able to walk. He can roll over and scoot, and make all sorts of noises, he can smile an he can cry, he can relate to people, and he does it all while learning how to walk. Tonight I feel like Landon. I feel like I am learning again how to walk and how to do things on my own, and yet I realize how far I have come, he does not realize. So I have been sure to tell him how proud of him I am. and I think it is time to say I am proud of myself. Sure I have made mistakes, who doesn't, but I feel like I am owning up to them, holding my head high and growing. I am trying to be a good mother, good daughter, good sister, good friend, good christian, good random person on the street, and good role model. And for once I feel like I am doing just that. 

squealing, squeaking, and smiling.

I am sitting here playing with Landon, and even though he is teething and in pain, he is the happiest little boy I have seen. It is moments like these that make me push through the exhaustion, and stir- craziness. 

Today Part Two

Today I am indifferent, and it feels so good. 

Today I take back what I said bashing Rihanna and Eminem. I take it back and I wish I could thank them. They portrayed abuse in such an artistic way and a sickly real way and it kind of started making this anger stir up inside me and I had not felt that in this process of trying to heal. I had felt guilt, sadness, confusion, denial, acceptance, but not anger. This anger which more came from how awful abuse is and the fact that women do live in that everyday, allowed me to say, I forgive you libby. I forgive you. I think I know what I want to do with my life. I think I want to help abused women break free from the cycle. I was thinking I wanted to be a pediatrician or neo- natal nurse or doctor but as I sit here and think, there are a ton of pediatricians. Sure it is a great job, and there are a ton of them. However, there are not as many people that want to work with women who are abused. Work with the families, the children, and I'm sure there are many less people who want to work with teen or young moms who are in the abuse cycle. It is hard enough having to talk to someone who doesn't get being a young mom (when trying to heal and move on, not in general) and it makes it much harder if that person doesn't understand abuse and how hard it is. I understand both. 

If you know me, you know how hard I have been fighting against Landon's dad. and not fighting like yelling and screaming and what not, but more internally fighting, well today, that fighting stops. I am putting him in my past and he will stay there. He will not be written about again, unless there is a reason he is in my life that day and I need to vent, but random days like today, he will not control. Finally finished :) 

In the last blog I posted I am sure it sounded like yesterday was an awful day, and it really wasn't, it was actually a really good day, I just had to rant and rave, so Today I am going to talk about the good in yesterday :) 

I have been trying to loose the rest of this baby weight and it is finally working.  I have been working out daily, eating better, and eating less, I have lost a good chunk of what I want to (still have a ways to go) but I have lost inches! and to me, the inches are more important then the scale. the inches are what you notice and what you feel, not the scale.  Yesterday I went on a long walk with a great friend and Landon. It was a lot of fun. good conversation, fresh air, good walk. I got to spend time with one of my sisters, and it was fun. It felt more "normal" then it has in a while. My getting pregnant was the hardest on her I think. She is a very organized person and I feel sometimes she tries and organizes life, and my pregnancy was just something that wasn't expected and could not be put in an organized box. 

Remember me. My night ended watching Remember me with Lauren (one of my sisters )and Amber, and oh my. I knew what was going to happen in that movie because my other sister Audrey told me, so I didn't think I was going to cry, Man was I wrong. I sobbed. If you have not seen it I highly recommend it. It is so powerful and so beautifully done ( in my opinion). 

Boys. Last night one of my best friends called me and was very hurt and upset. She is such an amazing girl and deserves the world, and a boy made her feel less then worthy. She has accomplished so much and is doing so great, and he ruined that feeling for her. That is not okay. It is always better to be honest, even if the truth is going to be painful for a little while, at least it is real, but if you play games and ignore or avoid, all that is there is pain. I hope that she does not let this prick change her for worse. I hope she talks through it as much as she can with people that are willing to listen and be there for her and offer the best advice they can, and then moves on. I hope she does not let him dictate her life. She has so much to offer, and that boy is missing out. In the end it will be him that is sorry, not her. I hope she reads this and I hope she hears me loud and clear when I say I love You. You are worth so much, and one day you will find prince charming, who will treat you with respect, and not want to avoid the hard conversations, and tricky situations. He will love you so much that keeping you guys a secret will not even be possible and He will make you truly happy. Of course along the way you guys will have arguments and not always feel butterflies, but I think that that is part of love. Love is not just the easy stuff, its making it through the hard stuff too. Keep Your head up, and be proud of who you are and who you are becoming. Don't belittle yourself. Teach people how to treat you, and teach them that you will be treated like crap no more. 

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, Loving someone deeply gives you courage." 

I know somewhere inside you, all of you reading this,  is both. You just need to find it and  use it if you haven't already. 

Today is a new day, why not start over?

Today.

Today has been such an odd day. 

Today started out with me blogging, I was writing and thinking about abuse and just the messy cycle of it and then my sister came home telling me all about this amazing song that I had to hear, so I put it on, I felt sick. I wanted to scream and cry and yell. and what made me the most upset was the fact that this song is not made up. sure the words are, but situations like his happen all the time. The lines rihanna sings remind me of what I was feeling the entire time I was with him "just gonna stand there and watch me burn, thats alright cause i like the way it hurts, just gonna stand there and watch me cry, thats alright cause i love the way you lie i love the way you lie". and Eminems line's are his attitude. "next time i'm pissed i'll aim my fist at the drywall" The lies, lies, lies, and more lies. they make me so fucking mad that I could just SCREAM, and I AM TRYING NOT TO SCREAM OR SWEAR! I sit here shaking and on the verge of tears. how can these people sing these words and not get it. They and the damn radio stations are putting these songs out there and having young girls catch on to the tune and even sing along but have no idea what it is really saying. My little sister was convinced this song was good. MY BABY SISTER WAS SINGING ALONG. that is so beyond messed up. I would give my life for her, and she is being subjected to shit that is making it seem like melodious and catchy when it should be portrayed how it is. It should be dark and scary, it should be screaming and clawing and crying, it should be the noise of the fire burning, and the noise of his fist hitting the wall and them yelling, it should not be catchy little lines like "now you get to watch her leave out the window, i guess thats why they call it window pane" IF ANY WOMAN HAS THE GUTS IT TAKES TO WALK OUT SO THAT BASTARD CAN WATCH HER FROM THE WINDOW GOOD FOR HER! SHE IS TEN TIMES STRONGER THEN THAT PIECE OF SHIT IN THE WINDOW AND I HOPE HE FEELS PAIN! NOT PAIN LIKE PHYSICAL PAIN OR I AM WISHING BAD ON HIM BUT LIKE THE PAIN THAT HE PUT HER THROUGH AND THAT SHE PUT UP WITH. HOW CAN THIS SONG SAY "IF SHE EVER TRIES TO LEAVE THIS HOUSE AGAIN I AM GOING TO TIE HER TO THE BED AND WATCH HER BURN" ?!?! TELL ME ONE SITUATION WHERE THAT WOULD BE OKAY. ONE I DARE YOU! IF YOU CAN GIVE ME ONE WHERE THAT WOULD BE OKAY ON ANY LEVEL I WILL PERSONALLY GIVE YOU A HUNDRED DOLLARS.  I am livid. What has the media come to that they can make a song with those words and actually sell and be played on the radio. If they are donating EVERY dollar to a womens abuse shelter then I will take back some of what I said and donate that hundred dollars to an abuse shelter, but I am willing to bet that the money isnt going there. It is probably going in their pocket and to they producers and blah blah so they can continue living their luxiurous lives well they subject girls, impresionable girls, and boys, to this crap. And what is so baffling to me also is after what Rihanna went through with chris brown, how could she sing this? I am going to give them the benefit of the doubt, and say they wanted to make a statement and show something, but if you are going to make a statement and one that you actually want to get through to people with then do it in a real way. not one that is going to get stuck in your head and you will have no idea what you are really singing along with.  

I am exhausted, I am tired and exhausted and I am going to bed. I will write more about today tomorrow. 

a whole new me.

It has been a few days since I wrote last, and I feel like a completely different person. I started to take adderall and oh my gosh. I can not even begin to explain how helpful it is. I am still getting use to it, but already I can focus, get things done, and pay attention. my mind isn't like a pile of spaghetti it is like a line with bulletpoints. There is really only one downside and that is pure exhaustion. but that is not from the medicine, it is from my brain being on overdrive for 20 years and not being able to slow down, but now the meds are making my brain slow down, and slowing down for me was always exhausting and irritating because I couldn't do it, but now I can so it isn't irritating, but it is ten times more exhausting. I am having a hard time writing now because there really are no words to explain this feeling. 

My fears about taking adderall is that it will change me. Like I won't be as energetic, or upbeat, or like an energizer bunny, and I am not sure how I feel about that. I guess I am just worried it will numb me somehow?... if it does then I am going to stop taking it, and just learn to cope without the meds, because I do not want to walk around in a trans. 

My excitements about taking this medicine, is school! School has always been hard for me because I either could not focus or I would hyper focus, but now it should be a healthy focus, and that is so exciting! I finally feel like I can do school and do well. I am determined to get as close to a 4.0 as I can. 

Life is genuinely good right now. Sure I have my lonely moments, but who doesn't? I get to wake up everyday to my sweet little boy, and then get to go upstairs and see my amazing family. I get to just live in the moment and be the best me I can, and then end the day with a hug and kiss to the only boy  I have ever really loved :) Being his mom has showed me a completely different side of love. I mean of course I knew what love was from my family, and yet the love I have for him is a completely different kind of love.  It makes me think about the kind of love I felt for his dad, and that was not love. It was me wanting to get mastery over the abuse and say enough, it was me wanting to prove to myself that I was better then that, which I know makes no sense if you have not been in it, but if you have you understand. I was trying to win, and take control of my heart and body and yet by trying to do that I just kept getting beat down. Abuse is such a weird thing. When you are in it you make excuses for the person and you try and convince yourself its not what it is, but it is. You have to master ignoring your gut feeling, and you have to tell yourself everyone is lying to you. When really it is the abuser that is lying to you and your gut and everyone else is right, and the only excuse you are making is against yourself. I never want to live like that again, I don't deserve that and neither does my son. 

Speaking of him, he wants to play, so I am out but as always I will write more later. As you go through your day, try and smile. Laugh at the little things- don't hold it in. 

Dios, kowtow, and amok

Today I feel like I should be unsure, I feel like I should question God and his reasoning, and yet I know that even though God does not make everything happen for a reason, that he is always there for us when the hard things happen. Seeing my friend today and hearing her heart wrenching story, one that was suppose to be exciting and worldly and fun, and yet hearing the place she was coming from, the place she had been in right after it happened, reminded me of this. 

There are no guarantees in life, and nobody goes without pain in life, no one. Next time I feel myself judging someone, I am going to try and stop myself, because you never know what that person has gone through, regardless of how they act. 

Love Happens.

Last night I watched the movie Love Happens. I almost didn't get it because I thought it would be bad, but I am so thankful I ended up getting it. As my youngest sister and I began to watch it I kept hearing statements or things I liked, so I decided to type a word document of what caught my ear and any thoughts I had about it. They are as fallows:

“  …uhh , life on a 3 by 5”  This made me think if I only had a 3 by 5 to explain my life, what would it say or be a picture of, and for me- it would be a picture of my family and friends standing in front of the harbor light center's chapel. It would be this because it incorporates all the things I love the most and treasure the most; my mom and dad, my sisters, my dog, my best friends, helping people (hence the homeless shelter aka harbor light center) and the chapel representing God. 

“ fear is a state of mind” The past few months I started getting panic attacks, and not the normal anxiety I deal with when afraid, but full on panic attacks, the kind where I can't breathe, I can't move, and I can't put Landon (my son) down, I feel my chest rising and falling and the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Anything can trigger them, a shadow, a smell, a noise, last week it was even the vacuum cleaner cord once. Now that I am not having a panic attack it sounds ridiculous, I mean come on, a vacuum cleaner cord? That is proof that fear is a state of mind.

“ 3 years…21 in dog years….” This quote was said as the main girl was pointing out that it had only been three years, to the guy who then came back with this- Three years is the amount of time I spent in an extremely abusive relationship. Three years is the amount of time I spent lying to everyone I cared about. Three years I spent lying to myself. Luckily though, I am not a dog and three years will only be a page in my novel called life.

“funerals are an important part of the grieving process, not only do you acknowledge that  a life is over, but you celebrate that a life was lived.” I just like this, I want my funeral (in many many years I hope) to be not only a mourning, but also a celebration, I want my loved ones to know I am in a better place and I would not want them sad. 

“ you cant move forward if your eyes are on the rear view mirror” What ifs are never helpful, and looking back you really never can move forward, well you can try but if you were driving while doing this you would most likely crash, possibly burn, and maybe even die. Of course you are not going to crash burn and die literally if it is just thinking about the past, but I think that depending on the past you are thinking about, little pieces of your soul can crash burn and die, and the potential for the future seems dim. 

“my life is a day by day experiment, of really bad choices” Live one day at a time. slow down. enjoy life. make mistakes. it is mistakes that give you experience. and experience that teaches you and helps you grow. every choice is probably considered a really bad choice to someone, so why not just think of it as a choice? 

As I lay in bed now I can hear my parent laughing at a movie, I can imagine my son breathing in and out, I can hear the blow of the fan cooling down my room, and I can feel the presence of God. All of these comforting things just go to show- Love Happens.

Prozac,Crawling, Textbooks, and Adderall

Cheer leading, Clubbing, Drinking, and just Hanging out where what I use to live for, as long as I was having a good time with the people I cared about, it was going to be a good night. I was like a little energizer bunny that never stopped and was always ten steps ahead of everyone, both physically and in the thought process. I could not slow down even if I tried to. In 2009 I was diagnosed with ADHD, but that was just the beginning. Eventually the good nights came fewer and fewer and the black hole I had been creeping around devoured me. Sadness was all I could feel and sleep was all I wanted to do. I stared to hang around people that were angry, abusive, mean spirited people and I thought I was becoming one of them. Little did I know I had depression. Eventually I started taking Prozac and my sadness went away, yet the thoughts I had been telling myself and the people I had been surrounding myself with had not. I ended up giving myself to a Boy who told me exactly what i wanted to hear, things like "You are beautiful" "You are amazing and I love you" and so on and then he would turn around and say things such as "You little girl, who do you think you are" or "You easy bitch". He knew what to say and what to do to get me to try and gain his praise, yet every time I did earn his praise, it was as if he expected something, so I would give in. Eventually I became pregnant, I was terrified, yet I knew everything would be okay. I planned his and my and our unborn child's life together and then things got worse. The last time I saw him, I was about six months pregnant and he had me in a choke hold on the floor screaming at me. This was my breaking point. Most people my age, 20, look forward to things such as parties, new movies, sporting events and etc- yet in the life I am living, the life I had some choice in, those are not the things I looking forward to. I look forward to the day I will understand why I put up with so much shit for so long, and forgive myself for allowing it to happen. I look forward to finding the real meaning of love in a relationship and knowing that my son and I never have to worry about an angry hand. I look forward to the days I get to sleep past five, The days I can be assured I am going to get to shower, and the day my son will call me "Mommy".  I look forward to seeing him crawl, watching him giggle, and taking him to where I was born and playing in the ocean. I look forward to going back to school, and carrying around textbooks. I look forward to learning all I can, and doing it with a different state of mind. I look forward to the places schooling can take my son and I. I look forward to being able to take medicine for my ADHD, and maybe feeling "normal" for once- if there is such thing. I am excited to stay on track and to get what I need to done. I anticipate being able to sort through my thoughts instead of having them jumble together like a maze that I can't get through. Although I did not choose to have ADHD, and I never thought I would be a single mom, much less a young single mom who had not yet finished school, I did choose to keep and parent my son, I chose to go back to school, and I am choosing to take Prozac and Adderall. I have learned that although you do not always get to choose what happens, you do get to choose what you take from it and what you do with it, and that if there is any hope in this world people need to realize that you can not blame others for everything, you need to take ownership and learn from your mistakes, or you are left bitter, angry, and stuck in the same situation. If you do not take ownership you can not move forward. You can not work on what you need to and you can not forgive. You can not forgive yourself for the mistakes you made, and you can not forgive others for the wrong they may have done to you. As Jo Dee Messina says "Tomorrow's Another Day" and tomorrow I hope I am less angry, less bitter, and less cynical of myself so that I can one day say I completely forgive myself.