walking.

I can not remember the last time I have wanted to walk and not stop, I don't think there has ever been a time when I have wanted to walk and not stop. And not in a way like I am running away, cause for the first time in a while I am not, but rather in a healthy way. I am taking care of myself. I am taking care of my body, taking care of my lungs by getting fresh air, and taking care of my mind. Walking allows me to think. I am not distracted by the music or t.v. or computer, but rather by Landon and nature and God, and those are healthy distractions. 

I think if any one ever asked me to go on a date, and asked me to walk with them around some unknown, safe, fun place we could explore and just talk and get to know each other that would be so cool. There wouldn't be the awkward okay we are sitting in a restraunt across from each other and have no idea what to say, or the fear of like of my gosh, where do we go, what do I eat, what do I wear? okay being honest the what do I wear part would still be there, but the other things that you shouldn't have to worry about are gone cause you are just walking and talking and exploring, together. You would get to know them for who they are and their character, and not their reputation. After all, character is who you are, reputation is who other people think you are, and if you know who you are, and God knows who you are, why should it matter who others think you are? and yet in the world we live in, it does matter, even if you say it doesn't phase you, I believe in some way it does. It might only be in the back of your head and never be said, but I think it is probably thought at least once, maybe? I would like to say that I am different, and don't judge off "reputation" but I know I do. If i hear a guy is a player, I am drawn towards them. Not because I want to get played, but because I want to "fix" them. I want to understand them, and understand why they are a "player" However the majority of the time I have done this, I have been surprised and the person has not been a player, it was just their reputation which they got who knows how.  I know it is selfish of me and probably narsasistic of me to say I want to be-friend them because I want to fix them, and help them heal, and yet that is how I have always been. I have never wanted to be the one being saved, I have wanted to be the one doing the saving. Now though, I am trying to not listen to reputations, though it is hard, and get to know someone before I judge them, and I still do not want to be saved, but I would like to be swept off my feet. and I absolutely do not want to do the saving. I use to look at relationships like a puzzle kind of, like if i could get all the pieces to fit it would all work out, but life is not a puzzle, and life doesn't make sense and doesn't fit together like a puzzle. So I want to be my own full complete puzzle, and meet "the one" who is also a complete puzzle, (and accepts my extra puzzle-Landon) and will blend together with us to make an even bigger complete puzzle. 

Landon can walk. of course not on his own, I mean he is not even three months old, but if you keep your hands under his arms balancing him, he can hold his weight, and take teeny tiny steps towards fully being able to walk. He can roll over and scoot, and make all sorts of noises, he can smile an he can cry, he can relate to people, and he does it all while learning how to walk. Tonight I feel like Landon. I feel like I am learning again how to walk and how to do things on my own, and yet I realize how far I have come, he does not realize. So I have been sure to tell him how proud of him I am. and I think it is time to say I am proud of myself. Sure I have made mistakes, who doesn't, but I feel like I am owning up to them, holding my head high and growing. I am trying to be a good mother, good daughter, good sister, good friend, good christian, good random person on the street, and good role model. And for once I feel like I am doing just that.