a whole new me.

It has been a few days since I wrote last, and I feel like a completely different person. I started to take adderall and oh my gosh. I can not even begin to explain how helpful it is. I am still getting use to it, but already I can focus, get things done, and pay attention. my mind isn't like a pile of spaghetti it is like a line with bulletpoints. There is really only one downside and that is pure exhaustion. but that is not from the medicine, it is from my brain being on overdrive for 20 years and not being able to slow down, but now the meds are making my brain slow down, and slowing down for me was always exhausting and irritating because I couldn't do it, but now I can so it isn't irritating, but it is ten times more exhausting. I am having a hard time writing now because there really are no words to explain this feeling. 

My fears about taking adderall is that it will change me. Like I won't be as energetic, or upbeat, or like an energizer bunny, and I am not sure how I feel about that. I guess I am just worried it will numb me somehow?... if it does then I am going to stop taking it, and just learn to cope without the meds, because I do not want to walk around in a trans. 

My excitements about taking this medicine, is school! School has always been hard for me because I either could not focus or I would hyper focus, but now it should be a healthy focus, and that is so exciting! I finally feel like I can do school and do well. I am determined to get as close to a 4.0 as I can. 

Life is genuinely good right now. Sure I have my lonely moments, but who doesn't? I get to wake up everyday to my sweet little boy, and then get to go upstairs and see my amazing family. I get to just live in the moment and be the best me I can, and then end the day with a hug and kiss to the only boy  I have ever really loved :) Being his mom has showed me a completely different side of love. I mean of course I knew what love was from my family, and yet the love I have for him is a completely different kind of love.  It makes me think about the kind of love I felt for his dad, and that was not love. It was me wanting to get mastery over the abuse and say enough, it was me wanting to prove to myself that I was better then that, which I know makes no sense if you have not been in it, but if you have you understand. I was trying to win, and take control of my heart and body and yet by trying to do that I just kept getting beat down. Abuse is such a weird thing. When you are in it you make excuses for the person and you try and convince yourself its not what it is, but it is. You have to master ignoring your gut feeling, and you have to tell yourself everyone is lying to you. When really it is the abuser that is lying to you and your gut and everyone else is right, and the only excuse you are making is against yourself. I never want to live like that again, I don't deserve that and neither does my son. 

Speaking of him, he wants to play, so I am out but as always I will write more later. As you go through your day, try and smile. Laugh at the little things- don't hold it in.