Prozac,Crawling, Textbooks, and Adderall

Cheer leading, Clubbing, Drinking, and just Hanging out where what I use to live for, as long as I was having a good time with the people I cared about, it was going to be a good night. I was like a little energizer bunny that never stopped and was always ten steps ahead of everyone, both physically and in the thought process. I could not slow down even if I tried to. In 2009 I was diagnosed with ADHD, but that was just the beginning. Eventually the good nights came fewer and fewer and the black hole I had been creeping around devoured me. Sadness was all I could feel and sleep was all I wanted to do. I stared to hang around people that were angry, abusive, mean spirited people and I thought I was becoming one of them. Little did I know I had depression. Eventually I started taking Prozac and my sadness went away, yet the thoughts I had been telling myself and the people I had been surrounding myself with had not. I ended up giving myself to a Boy who told me exactly what i wanted to hear, things like "You are beautiful" "You are amazing and I love you" and so on and then he would turn around and say things such as "You little girl, who do you think you are" or "You easy bitch". He knew what to say and what to do to get me to try and gain his praise, yet every time I did earn his praise, it was as if he expected something, so I would give in. Eventually I became pregnant, I was terrified, yet I knew everything would be okay. I planned his and my and our unborn child's life together and then things got worse. The last time I saw him, I was about six months pregnant and he had me in a choke hold on the floor screaming at me. This was my breaking point. Most people my age, 20, look forward to things such as parties, new movies, sporting events and etc- yet in the life I am living, the life I had some choice in, those are not the things I looking forward to. I look forward to the day I will understand why I put up with so much shit for so long, and forgive myself for allowing it to happen. I look forward to finding the real meaning of love in a relationship and knowing that my son and I never have to worry about an angry hand. I look forward to the days I get to sleep past five, The days I can be assured I am going to get to shower, and the day my son will call me "Mommy".  I look forward to seeing him crawl, watching him giggle, and taking him to where I was born and playing in the ocean. I look forward to going back to school, and carrying around textbooks. I look forward to learning all I can, and doing it with a different state of mind. I look forward to the places schooling can take my son and I. I look forward to being able to take medicine for my ADHD, and maybe feeling "normal" for once- if there is such thing. I am excited to stay on track and to get what I need to done. I anticipate being able to sort through my thoughts instead of having them jumble together like a maze that I can't get through. Although I did not choose to have ADHD, and I never thought I would be a single mom, much less a young single mom who had not yet finished school, I did choose to keep and parent my son, I chose to go back to school, and I am choosing to take Prozac and Adderall. I have learned that although you do not always get to choose what happens, you do get to choose what you take from it and what you do with it, and that if there is any hope in this world people need to realize that you can not blame others for everything, you need to take ownership and learn from your mistakes, or you are left bitter, angry, and stuck in the same situation. If you do not take ownership you can not move forward. You can not work on what you need to and you can not forgive. You can not forgive yourself for the mistakes you made, and you can not forgive others for the wrong they may have done to you. As Jo Dee Messina says "Tomorrow's Another Day" and tomorrow I hope I am less angry, less bitter, and less cynical of myself so that I can one day say I completely forgive myself.