Saddened.

Life is too short. It feels as if one day you are doing one thing and finally getting use to it and the next it is five years down the road. I am not one who encourages regrets, i think every expierence good or bad is one to learn from, and i try to not have regrets. of course there are things i wish i could change but who doesnt have those, and in my opinion those are different then regrets. Anyways the reason i bring up regrets is because i do not ever want to regret not telling someone i love them. as a friend, as more then a friend, as a sister, a mother, a son, a father, a doggy, anything. Two months ago a girl i knew of, one who was close with my sisters and a lot of people i am connected with committed suicide. She was a senior in highschool and well loved by EVERYONE and yet she took her own life. No one knows why she did and no one will every understand except God, well tonight my youngest sister and i went to her facebook page and were just reading the post people are still leaving on her wall. It makes my heart hurt. I am sitting here sobbing justtrying to catch my breath because i can not imagine if i were her sister or brother or mother or father or friend. I only knew of this girl and it is tragic and so emotional. i am sure my sister being close with her and watching her go through so much pain and confusion at such a young age has some to do with it but regardless. Basically I just wanted to tell you I love you. If i have ever been mad at you or we have gotten in a fight or we do not get a long, i love you and you have impacted my life in someway. I challenge you all to tell someone you love them, and mean it. dont be affraid to love. dont be affraid to live. if you wont live your life, no one will, so live your life and love.Life is too short. RIP Tinu.RIP. 

God's Canvas

I have always believed that a relationship with God is an extremely personal thing, I believe there are a time and a place to say things like "God loves you" and "He is always there" and whatnot, but I feel like those times are few and far apart. I am not knocking the people who do believe everyday should be like that, to each their own, yet in my opinion people are more willing to hear and listen about God as well as engage as conversation if the start by questioning why you live differently. That being said, I feel that so many times saying "God is right here with us" is unneeded because other people feel it too, they just might not know what it is yet, soon they will question though. You can't run from God. You can deny it is God, and you can choose to believe that God's whispers are other things, but they really are always there. The reason I am saying this today is because I simply feel I need to say it. Throughout my entire pregnancy and parenting Landon this far, God has had his hand over my family and I. (Landon obvs. being a part of my family) And as soon as I have started to worry or fear God shows himself stronger. Maybe it is because I am looking harder, but I am not positive of that. This last week Landon and I moved upstairs. we had been in the basement which was about... 20 steps to get to and his things and my things were all down there, except we couldn't survive down there, everything else was upstairs and we had to come up to leave the house. Well yesterday I dislocated my knee again. Only worse. It is half and inch away from where it is suppose to be and is tilted. I am on crutches and in a huge brace cast thing and get an MRI this coming thursday. I am able to push landon around in his stroller and have everything I need in the bottom part. I have figure out how I can take some steps, push the stroller, take some more and etc.. Of course I am in pain and wish this was not the case, but who am I to complain? I can take care of Landon and I can take care of myself for the most part. The world really is God's canvas.

You're OUT!

The person I am scared of the most is myself. My thoughts. How can I flip so fast, how can I be so set in my ways and then melt and then when it happens again I feel stupid all over, You actually had me believing you. I thought maybe you had changed. maybe you were being real. maybe you were being truthful. but you weren't. You are looking out for number one and it is sickening. You are going to wake up one day and realize how alone you are. You are going to have burned all your bridges with people who could actually care about you if you let them, but instead you spend your time with girls that just want your money and status and sex. I am celibate and doing just fine financially and could care less about status so that clearly isnt what I was after. Right now I feel sick. People need to get their lives together, and realize who and what is worth it, cause one day none of this earthly stuff and temptations are going to matter. God is not going to judge you on how much money you had and how many people you slept with and how "cool" you were, he is going to judge you on what you did with the money you did have. Making the choice to be with one person. I know that probably sounds hypocritical coming from me, but until six months ago I had not made the choice to save myself. After everything that had happened, I didn't care. Now though I care, and from six months ago on, I will only be with my husband. and being "cool" in God's eyes I think means that you often won't be "cool" on earth.  In the end although right now I feel sorry (and stupid) for myself, it is you I feel sorry for. I know where I am headed in life, do you?

Tonight I spent probably... 6 hours or so watching movies, and reading someone I knows facebook status'. It is unbelievable how much God works through different things at just the right time. Tonight he got to my heart through the movie I can do bad all by myself, the movie Paper Heart, and a guy I hardly know but run into all the time facebook status'.  I know that makes me sound so creepy (the facebook part) but when I post them tomorrow, you will understand why I couldn't stop reading them. I wish I was friends with this guy because he knows what he is talking about and it is so refreshing. and yet I dont want to do the chasing, I want to be chased. I want to be chased, and wanted for me, and I want them to "prove" it. 

I use to have a 3 strike rule when it came to guys, like in baseball- 3 strikes and your out. For a while I stopped using it because I thought it wasn't fair, but it is. just because someone is "out" after 3 strikes as a dating possibility doesn't mean their out as a friend, or that I am going to hold a grudge, it just means you lost your chance. As of now I am implementing this rule again. 

Well tomorrow is Landon's three month photoshoot and I need to get some beauty sleep, but before I go I just want to give a "shout out" to all the dads that are stepping up and taking care of your children, I have the utmost respect for you and wish you the best of luck.

Layers

My life is full of layers. when i do my hair, i do it in layers. well first i get layers cut into it. then it has to be blow dryed...? in layers, then when i straighten it i have to do that in layers too. my faith has layers. layers i show strangers. layers i show friends, layers i show my best friends, layers i show my family, and layers on God and i know about. my heart has layers. my thoughts have layers. and my style of dress is usually layers. however one thing that has absolutely no layers is my patience. i use to be very patient. i was slow to show anger and slow to get bitter. now though i do not feel that way. i have hardly any patience, and as soon as you make me mad i will let you know and i sometimes become bitter. it rarely lasts but it still comes. 

I am the least patient with my friends now. and it isn't fair. i get the most mad when they cancel plans last minute. or don't answer or just plain ditch. i know i do it occasionally- yet i have tried very hard not to lately. it is irritating because sure they can make it up and do something later, but i can not. i am not on my own schedule anymore and i cant do whatever i want when i want. i think the anger mostly comes from feeling lonely. and today i feel lonely. 

i wish i could go "home" to massachusetts tonight. not for a vacation and not even for a long time, but just so i can sit on the rocks by the ocean, and just breathe. cry. watch the sunset. smell the salt water. hear the waves. watch the boats. and just breathe. 

walking.

I can not remember the last time I have wanted to walk and not stop, I don't think there has ever been a time when I have wanted to walk and not stop. And not in a way like I am running away, cause for the first time in a while I am not, but rather in a healthy way. I am taking care of myself. I am taking care of my body, taking care of my lungs by getting fresh air, and taking care of my mind. Walking allows me to think. I am not distracted by the music or t.v. or computer, but rather by Landon and nature and God, and those are healthy distractions. 

I think if any one ever asked me to go on a date, and asked me to walk with them around some unknown, safe, fun place we could explore and just talk and get to know each other that would be so cool. There wouldn't be the awkward okay we are sitting in a restraunt across from each other and have no idea what to say, or the fear of like of my gosh, where do we go, what do I eat, what do I wear? okay being honest the what do I wear part would still be there, but the other things that you shouldn't have to worry about are gone cause you are just walking and talking and exploring, together. You would get to know them for who they are and their character, and not their reputation. After all, character is who you are, reputation is who other people think you are, and if you know who you are, and God knows who you are, why should it matter who others think you are? and yet in the world we live in, it does matter, even if you say it doesn't phase you, I believe in some way it does. It might only be in the back of your head and never be said, but I think it is probably thought at least once, maybe? I would like to say that I am different, and don't judge off "reputation" but I know I do. If i hear a guy is a player, I am drawn towards them. Not because I want to get played, but because I want to "fix" them. I want to understand them, and understand why they are a "player" However the majority of the time I have done this, I have been surprised and the person has not been a player, it was just their reputation which they got who knows how.  I know it is selfish of me and probably narsasistic of me to say I want to be-friend them because I want to fix them, and help them heal, and yet that is how I have always been. I have never wanted to be the one being saved, I have wanted to be the one doing the saving. Now though, I am trying to not listen to reputations, though it is hard, and get to know someone before I judge them, and I still do not want to be saved, but I would like to be swept off my feet. and I absolutely do not want to do the saving. I use to look at relationships like a puzzle kind of, like if i could get all the pieces to fit it would all work out, but life is not a puzzle, and life doesn't make sense and doesn't fit together like a puzzle. So I want to be my own full complete puzzle, and meet "the one" who is also a complete puzzle, (and accepts my extra puzzle-Landon) and will blend together with us to make an even bigger complete puzzle. 

Landon can walk. of course not on his own, I mean he is not even three months old, but if you keep your hands under his arms balancing him, he can hold his weight, and take teeny tiny steps towards fully being able to walk. He can roll over and scoot, and make all sorts of noises, he can smile an he can cry, he can relate to people, and he does it all while learning how to walk. Tonight I feel like Landon. I feel like I am learning again how to walk and how to do things on my own, and yet I realize how far I have come, he does not realize. So I have been sure to tell him how proud of him I am. and I think it is time to say I am proud of myself. Sure I have made mistakes, who doesn't, but I feel like I am owning up to them, holding my head high and growing. I am trying to be a good mother, good daughter, good sister, good friend, good christian, good random person on the street, and good role model. And for once I feel like I am doing just that. 

squealing, squeaking, and smiling.

I am sitting here playing with Landon, and even though he is teething and in pain, he is the happiest little boy I have seen. It is moments like these that make me push through the exhaustion, and stir- craziness. 

Today Part Two

Today I am indifferent, and it feels so good. 

Today I take back what I said bashing Rihanna and Eminem. I take it back and I wish I could thank them. They portrayed abuse in such an artistic way and a sickly real way and it kind of started making this anger stir up inside me and I had not felt that in this process of trying to heal. I had felt guilt, sadness, confusion, denial, acceptance, but not anger. This anger which more came from how awful abuse is and the fact that women do live in that everyday, allowed me to say, I forgive you libby. I forgive you. I think I know what I want to do with my life. I think I want to help abused women break free from the cycle. I was thinking I wanted to be a pediatrician or neo- natal nurse or doctor but as I sit here and think, there are a ton of pediatricians. Sure it is a great job, and there are a ton of them. However, there are not as many people that want to work with women who are abused. Work with the families, the children, and I'm sure there are many less people who want to work with teen or young moms who are in the abuse cycle. It is hard enough having to talk to someone who doesn't get being a young mom (when trying to heal and move on, not in general) and it makes it much harder if that person doesn't understand abuse and how hard it is. I understand both. 

If you know me, you know how hard I have been fighting against Landon's dad. and not fighting like yelling and screaming and what not, but more internally fighting, well today, that fighting stops. I am putting him in my past and he will stay there. He will not be written about again, unless there is a reason he is in my life that day and I need to vent, but random days like today, he will not control. Finally finished :) 

In the last blog I posted I am sure it sounded like yesterday was an awful day, and it really wasn't, it was actually a really good day, I just had to rant and rave, so Today I am going to talk about the good in yesterday :) 

I have been trying to loose the rest of this baby weight and it is finally working.  I have been working out daily, eating better, and eating less, I have lost a good chunk of what I want to (still have a ways to go) but I have lost inches! and to me, the inches are more important then the scale. the inches are what you notice and what you feel, not the scale.  Yesterday I went on a long walk with a great friend and Landon. It was a lot of fun. good conversation, fresh air, good walk. I got to spend time with one of my sisters, and it was fun. It felt more "normal" then it has in a while. My getting pregnant was the hardest on her I think. She is a very organized person and I feel sometimes she tries and organizes life, and my pregnancy was just something that wasn't expected and could not be put in an organized box. 

Remember me. My night ended watching Remember me with Lauren (one of my sisters )and Amber, and oh my. I knew what was going to happen in that movie because my other sister Audrey told me, so I didn't think I was going to cry, Man was I wrong. I sobbed. If you have not seen it I highly recommend it. It is so powerful and so beautifully done ( in my opinion). 

Boys. Last night one of my best friends called me and was very hurt and upset. She is such an amazing girl and deserves the world, and a boy made her feel less then worthy. She has accomplished so much and is doing so great, and he ruined that feeling for her. That is not okay. It is always better to be honest, even if the truth is going to be painful for a little while, at least it is real, but if you play games and ignore or avoid, all that is there is pain. I hope that she does not let this prick change her for worse. I hope she talks through it as much as she can with people that are willing to listen and be there for her and offer the best advice they can, and then moves on. I hope she does not let him dictate her life. She has so much to offer, and that boy is missing out. In the end it will be him that is sorry, not her. I hope she reads this and I hope she hears me loud and clear when I say I love You. You are worth so much, and one day you will find prince charming, who will treat you with respect, and not want to avoid the hard conversations, and tricky situations. He will love you so much that keeping you guys a secret will not even be possible and He will make you truly happy. Of course along the way you guys will have arguments and not always feel butterflies, but I think that that is part of love. Love is not just the easy stuff, its making it through the hard stuff too. Keep Your head up, and be proud of who you are and who you are becoming. Don't belittle yourself. Teach people how to treat you, and teach them that you will be treated like crap no more. 

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, Loving someone deeply gives you courage." 

I know somewhere inside you, all of you reading this,  is both. You just need to find it and  use it if you haven't already. 

Today is a new day, why not start over?